


Hold Me in Your Heart

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Insecurities, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 12:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11380560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: It is the morning after the mage died… Is their boyfriend arrangement still standing?





	Hold Me in Your Heart

Baz woke up with Simon curled up around him. He smiled at the pure sight of him, even though he remembered everything that had happened yesterday so clearly. The mage, Simon, the humdrum, its whole awfulness. He wished to forget but he knew that was a burden he ought to carry around with him for the rest of his life. He stroke through Simon’s hair gently. Something was different than before. Simon wasn’t buzzing and burning anymore. He wasn’t the Chosen One anymore. He was just a boy. And as Baz looked at him, he felt how much he loved him. Suddenly it was okay to love him. Even if Simon would reject him again, it was still okay to love him. The secret was out, there was nothing to hide anymore. There was no war anymore. It was really over. Baz felt lighter than he had in years. As he thought about it, he felt lighter than he ever had since his mother had died.

Sure there were still things to worry about. There were still issues to be solved. But all the things holding him down and making his chest ache – they were just gone.

The room of Penny’s house in which they had been sleeping the night was dimly lit. Shadows were dancing on Simon Snow’s face and Baz didn’t even think about waking him.

_There you go, fire boy. Dream nice dreams for me. Please. As long as you're asleep, you can be happy. As long as your asleep, you can forget. Dream for me, dragon boy._

Simon shifted slightly and mumbled something under his breath. Questions were racing through Baz’ head, but they weren’t important. He vaguely eyed the wings and the tail. Would they stay forever? Would Simon be good with it? Could they ever recover from what they had gone through? Would they go back to Watford?

The only important thing was that Simon was alright. _Simon, my love…_

When Baz had called him that yesterday it hadn’t mattered. Simon had needed to be comforted. So Baz didn’t lie or think anymore. Hopefully Simon wouldn’t raise him on it. He didn’t want to excuse himself for it.

Suddenly Simon jerked awake. Baz was unsure how to react, so he just let his hand rest on Simon’s back, right between the wings.

“Baz?” Simon asked confused. “What are you doing in my bed?”

Baz quickly drew away from Simon as he realized what this meant. Simon didn’t want this anymore. Baz had been supposed to leave after Simon had fallen asleep. He probably never wanted to see him again, which was understandable. Anyway Baz had somehow believed Simon might still… But it had been stupid to think so.

“What is that on my back- Oh.”

Suddenly Simon remembered everything and also why his magic was gone. After his dream he had been so confused. For a moment he had thought he was at Watford in their room, when everything had been normal. Not necessarily better.

Baz put on his shirt and trousers before muttering: “I’ll be in the bathroom.”

He vanished fast after that and Simon was left alone, which left him feeling really bad since he didn’t want to be alone for one second. He didn’t know whether everything was alright between him and Baz. He’d understand if Baz wanted to keep his distance from him now. But actually he didn’t want to think about such things now. He was still shaking internally from yesterday’s events. He felt guilty… He was guilty. Ebb was dead. The mage was dead. It all felt so unreal. He couldn’t even comprehend that he was lying here. Alive. And Baz too. How had they both made it out of the final fight alive? This wasn’t how either of them had planned it. None of them had imagined they’d live to make it out of school.

_The mage killed Ebb. Ebb. Ebb. Ebb. The mage. Why? Why? Why me, why him? Was that really him? I loved him. Why did I love him? I loved her. How can she be gone? How? How? How_

Simon was sobbing before he knew it and curled himself up in a ball.

As Baz heard his cries he quickly paced back into the room. Maybe Simon didn’t want to be consoled by him but he didn’t care. He had to put his arms around Simon’s body and press him against him. They had to be together. If Simon rejected him, he’d go. One word and Baz would leave him to let him live a life without him. He deserved that much.

“It’s alright, love”, he said, calling him that name again because he just couldn’t reject it. Even though he knew it wasn’t appropriate. “Let it go. Let it go, my love.”

Baz felt like sobbing himself but he was going to be strong for Simon. When had he ever not been? His whole life had consisted for years of being strong for Simon. Of not giving away how much Simon meant to him.

The blonde boy stiffened as he heard Baz say the word “love”.

When Baz noticed, he said: “I’m sorry, Simon. If you want me to go, just say it. I won’t leave unless you tell me to. I understand if you’re back to hating me after what happened. I shouldn’t have- I don’t deserve- It’s my fault that… And even if you don’t, I’m not expecting you that our… weird boyfriend arrangement’s still standing. I’m good. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. We can just forget about it. You probably changed your mind. That’s fine. I can- I can try to be your friend too. I just want to be there for you. Just tell me when you’re uncomfortable with something I do. Like calling you love… Or touching you… I’m sorry.”

Simon kept silent for a few seconds and Baz almost drew away thinking that was what Simon wanted, when suddenly Simon broke the silence.

“I’m not changing my mind anytime soon. Maybe I’m not changing it ever.”

Baz felt relieved. He held the boy in his arms tighter.

“Just – don’t let me go”, Simon sobbed. “Please, please don’t let me go. Hold me. Never leave me. Not you too. I don’t want to loose anyone. Please Baz. Don’t go. Hold me for as long as you can.”  
So Baz did. And as he was a vampire, he was able to hold him for an awful amount of time.

 

He held the dragon boy until the day he died.

 

But in his heart, he held him forever.


End file.
